I Ain't No Holla-Back Girl: Coming Clean

I have kept myself from posting about this, because I felt like it would be immature and irresponsible to air dirty laundry on a blog for all of my friends and family. Even though it has been the most major development in my life for the past month, since I didn't know what was going to happen, I kept it all to myself. Now that it has come to an end, I am prepared to inform everyone of what has been happening. Of course this is a one-sided interpretation of events, but I am pretty well convinced that the other party's side wouldn't be very enlightening anyway.

At the beginning of the month, on July 1st, Scott informed me he wanted to take a break. I was told to trust him, and that he loved me, and that he believed we would stay together. It hurt like crazy and I didn't understand, but I knew trust had been a huge issue for us for a long time, so I resolved to trust him. I won't go into super-gritty details, I will just say that there were clues that shed light on what was to come, but, sticking to my promise to Scott and myself, I trusted him and assumed the best. I felt that I knew, in my heart, that he loved me, and that we would end up together. The problem is, that was the Scott that I used to know and love. There is a new Scott that isn't the wonderful guy that I used to know. Essentially, I found out through the wonders of Facebook that, despite having held on for the whole month, despite keeping the faith, despite not trying to contact him, despite giving him the space he asked for, despite being the most devoted girlfriend in the history of girlfriends, and despite feeling like I knew in my heart that we must end up together/planning on sending him a happy message mid-week to plan out when we'd get to catch up this weekend; that despite all of this, he had moved on. Without telling me anything first, he had posted that he was in a relationship with a girl who had been messaging him all month. It was the most painful way to "let me know" about this, it was cowardly, and it has ruined the chance we had to salvage an important and wonderful friendship from what was, I had thought, a fantastic nearly-three-year relationship. It's been an incredibly difficult month not having the person I had considered my best friend to consult with. It's been scary and painful, and it has now gotten worse. I only found out about this new relationship of his yesterday; for those of you who have gone through breakups, you can sort of understand what I am dealing with at the moment. I have never known hurt or anger or betrayal as deep as this. It saddens me, and infuriates me. I am in despair for the death of a person I admired and loved so much, I miss the memories we made and can no longer make, and I am engraged at the asshole who has turned my world upside-down. However, even though I have had the most lonely moments I have ever had, as I am having to experience this abroad, particularly after many of my friends have moved away; there is a silver lining. My friends and family who have already heard about this have all joined together in support around me, and it has been so incredibly fantastic and moving to realize how many people love me and care about me. I feel proud to know so many amazingly wonderful and caring people. I feel blessed. Also, though there are indescribably difficult low moments. . .there are excitingly hopeful moments, too. I am single in the prime of my life; I have the opportunity now to meet new people, furnish new friendships, go on dates with crazy liberals (for once in my life!!) and rockstars and all of the other wonderful people I am going to meet. Once I am more removed from the sting of all of this, I will learn from it and be an even better girlfriend the next time around. My possibilities are endless. I can now also totally embrace my plan to travel as soon as I possibly can when I graduate; to think I was going to agree to compromise some of my dreams for a boy as undevoted as Scott is kind of scary, but as my friends have said, it's good that I figured all of this out BEFORE it got to that point. I will not just rip on Scott, of course; he has brought some of the happiest moments into my life, and has helped me through times that I thought I would drown in. That is why this is all so confusing, and why I feel like the wonderful, caring boy who did those things is not the boy who has done this horrible thing to me. Hopefully this update does not seem TOO vindictive or high-school-drama-bitchy, because I don't want to be just another Miley Cyrus acting the fool on the world wide web. That isn't the intent. My intent here is three-fold: 1)I want to let everyone know about this at once, because it hurts for me to have to go through it over and over again; 2)I want to warn other women about this, because I feel kind of like it's my duty to share what I have had to go through; 3)I deserve to be a little bitchy after what I was put through.
In sum, I have had to go through a living hell, and am still living through it at various intervals throughout the day. There are grittier details, but you'll have to ask me in person because I really am not so vindictive as to air my dirty laundry on my blog. The good that comes out of this is that I have found how many amazing people care about me, I am finding my own personal strength, and I have many amazing opportunities now - a clean slate. It's going to be an incredibly difficult year, because everything from concert plans to living arrangements were made with the relationship in mind. But I'm going to reframe it all and reclaim it all. I still have a little over 2 weeks left in Freiburg, and I'm going to live it up as much as I physically can. I still have one more paper to write, notes to type, and manuscript to edit, but I should be done with most school-related responsibilities by the end of the week. Eric arrives Sunday, which is going to be an absolute God-send. I have my guitar, and I'm going to write some songs about this. I also have some amazing music mixes from my dear Margaret, as well as my own choice songs (check out Damien Rice's "Rootless Tree" and "Coconut Skins" if you would like to know about how I'm feeling right now; particularly that first one.) I love you all, and I still even care for the boy that I once knew and fell in love with. I'm sad to see him go, but perhaps, at some day far, far in the future, he'll return and we can be friendly again. Ultimately I am an optimist and feel that people can learn from mistakes and change for the better. At this point, though, that/he isn't my concern. My concern is to better myself and grow out of all of this. I will keep you all posted about my last-week adventures and do a final grade update when I have all of them in:) Love to all and just keep me in your thoughts - I appreciate all the support I receive. I am going to be more than OK, it will just take time.