Thursday, May 29, 2008

All my mistakes have become masterpieces.

Hello, faithful readers! I know I haven't updated in quite some time, so I thought it might be a good time to check in. I think I have to start off with something heavier, because it just happens to be my reality -
As I think everyone who reads this will already know, I have an eating disorder. I compulsively overexercised my senior year of high school, and now I have binge eating disorder. I am, finally (and proudly!) in the stage of the disorder called recovery. There is no specific time frame for this stage; it is a conscious choice I have made. I know that my body image and food obsessions are actually not the underlying problems. They are the surface issues that cover the deeper emotional issues I have supressed for who knows how long. And there is also not just one issue that I have been avoiding; it's years and years of not being able to deal with feelings in a healthy way. Thus, now that I recognize this, and know that I need to deal with emotional issues as well as my coping mechanism (i.e. binging,) I can say I am in recovery. I must now faze out the automatic binge-mechanism I have when I feel something (not even necessarily something bad!) and trade it in for a healthy coping mechanism (of which there are numerous.) It is not NEARLY as easy as it sounds, because it's science - a pathway in my brain has been forged for years, and I'm fighting against it now. There is a lot more I could say, but I think this is a good basis of knowledge for the rest of my post.
The reason I just explained all of that is because the past two weeks have been hard. The strangeness of being in another country, the occasional feeling of loneliness and everything else that nobody ever talks about after they get back from their adventure (because, I promise you, I am going to rose-color-glass my experience when I get back to the states, and want to jump on the first flight back to Europe!!) I wanted to talk about this now, though, because it's important to remember the struggles. You learn from them. I think, originally, I had given myself the impression that coming over here would be the biggest struggle of my life, and that once I was successfully settled, I would be "over" my eating disorder because I'd realize how awesome I am. As much as I wish it was that simple, it just isn't. I can look at this as a HUGE achievement, it can encourage me, I can use it as an affirmation, but it isn't the switch that I get to turn and be all better with. However, the fact that I am learning SO MUCH over here is such a HUGE achievement, particularly because I'm away from my therapist and normal support system. I am so proud of myself for doing this, I am still excited when I see the mountains behind my apartment, and my friends here are still some of the coolest kids ever. But I have been struggling to notice the little things that I know I'll miss when I return. The little kids yelling in German, the trams, the recycling. All of it, I'm going to miss desperately. The way my bathroom is a little too small, and gets way too warm and so I just sweat all over again once I'm out. The way we don't have a dishwasher so everything is done by hand which makes it seem more personal. Playing guitar like I never have before (there is an open mic night on Thursdays at an Irish pub near campus. I am going to go there. That is my goal for myself before I leave - to play "No Surprises" by Radiohead at the Irish pub for open mic night.) I am quite good, by the way. And my voice is amazing. I might be a musician after all! I love my campus. It's beautiful. I love the random rainstorms. I love that I can take Swedish. I love that I bought a Bob Dylan lyric book with German translations of the more complicated words. I love this place. And time is flying, and I am going to miss it more than I can describe with words. I am just going to have to soak it all up as best as I can. I also need to take pictures of all of my friends! I know I haven't done that; I guess it just feels touristy now that I'm close with everyone. Actually, no - I'm just too lazy:-P But it'll happen. OK, enough for now - perhaps I will actually get some homework done!

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Well I don't know if I'm wrong, 'cause she's only just gone.

This one's gonna be hard to summarize, because there is just TOO much that has gone on since my last post. Mostly, I will just skip ahead to London. But, a mini-recap of weeks past: I'm in classes now, and they are going pretty well. I'm not applying myself to Swedish the way I probably should, so that is a source of guilt but I'm trying to be easy on myself. This is my first semester where I am trying to embrace the idea that life isn't just a letter in a gradebook. Anyway, there was a May 1st celebration a while back (May 1st, go figure,) and that was excellent because there was tons of free live music out on the streets. It was also the first time I rode a bike around Freiburg, which was totally exhilerating. There's something really cool about standing around with pals in an outdoor techno-rave with fireworks being shot off behind you. I've started to run most mornings (more of a run/walk combo) and it is wonderful. There's a really beautiful area around this stream behind my neighborhood where I do it. The only problem is, I've started getting shin splints. So I need to stretch out better. My routine now includes unwinding each mealtime by streaming "How I Met Your Mother." I'm almost caught up to the current season. It's a ridiculously awesome show, and it's nice to be braindead for a while (it's an American sitcom, so the English is a nice break.) That's a nice taste of a few things I've been up to during the regular week; time to delve into my London adventures!!

Tuesday -
I had a relaxing morning of buying plane-sized toiletries, having a delicious frozen-pizza lunch, and then heading to the train station. I hopped onto the first train, and enjoyed the two hours of countryside (with one train connection in the middle!) I packed RIDICULOUSLY light, I only had my purse and my backpack. Then, when I arrived in Stuttgart, I needed to get from the train station to the airport. I knew already which Bahns I could use, but I couldn't find anywhere to pay! I looked around and asked someone, and there was just no answer. So. . .I just hopped on. I was nervous the WHOLE time because I really wasn't trying to break rules, I just was hoping that I could pay ON the Bahn itself, but I didn't see any place to do that. I managed to get all the way to the airport without incident, but I felt uneasy about the situation. On the bright side. . .perhaps this is karma letting me get my money back from the stupid ticket incident at the beginning of my time in Germany! Anyway, after I made it to the airport I was about 2 and a half hours early, so I had to wait half an hour to check in. Then I went up to my gate, and sat for 2 hours, reading and chilling out. Then we got to board the plane in the coolest way possible: our "gate" was actually a place where we all crowded on this big bus, and they bussed us out to the plane where we (hold your breath!) got to CLIMB UP those cool seperate steps like you see movie stars and presidents and people do!! That was really awesome:) Anyway, I went to my seat (I had pre-booked it, right in front of the wings by the window on the right side) and started to Sudoku. The flight was amazing, so beautiful (I'm really loving flying now, it's nuts!) It was only an hour and ten minutes, and I ended up talking to the two German guys sitting next to me. They were nice, and it was cool to be speaking a ton of German. I always can use the practice! Although it did throw me off for a while after I got off of the plane and everyone was talking to me in English:-P Anyway, we got to the London-Stansted airport, had to go through the border patrol, and then I was off to find the Stansted Express. The train had a really great route, I got to see both London countryside AND the city, and I was giddy the whole time. Then, when I got to the Liverpool St. Station, I hopped off, bought an Oyster card (pay-as-you-go card for bus and tube,) and grabbed the Hammersmith tube line to Hammersmith. Then I caught a taxi to my cousins' place! They live in Fulham county (if I understand all of that business correctly; it's all a little confusing with the different sections that are all a part of London!) and their home is BEAUTIFUL. Two stories, tons of space and even a nice backyard! Kristyn and Damian met me at the door and fed me a DELICIOUS salad (seriously, it was fantastic and I am actually craving one right now, as I am thinking about it.) I also got to see vacation pictures from their trip to New Zealand - so pretty! Then it was time for bed, and the bed was luxurious so I was out super fast.

Wednesday - Woke up leisurely, and headed out into Fulham with Kristyn and baby Theo (side note for Katherine - you would be 100% in love with Theo, he is one of those babies that are irresistable to a baby-lover like you:)) First, we went up to the Fulham Football club, and then around to a park along the river Thames. We ended up at the Fulham palace, where all of the bishops lived. It was gorgeous! The garden was particularly lovely, because the flowers were all blooming. I also got to see some allotments, which are basically plots people can rent to garden and grow their own veggies and stuff. Brilliant! Then we went over to the church where they filmed "The Omen." Super creepy, and some of the graves had these mummy-like tomb things... totally creepy. Some of them were even cracked:-/ Then we headed to a cafe where I had probably the best chocolate milkshake I've ever tasted. Then it was time to do some shopping! We went to a shop, looking for a dress (I was really hoping to find a "London dress" that would forever remind me of the city, but never was quite successful.) I tried some things on, and ended up leaving with only one item, one of the only two items I purchased during my entire stay: the most adorable pink umbrella with white polka dots and frills along the edge. It was one of those that opened up in a cap-shape, which I've always wanted, and it had a beautiful pink faux-leather handle. I loved, loved, loved that umbrella. We will get to why I am using past-tense in a while. But I needed to express the love I invested in the umbrella so it all makes sense later. Anyway, I needed an umbrella and that was the perfect one, so I got that and then we headed slowly back towards the house. As we walked up, Kristyn said, "Who is that guy standing by my house??" I didn't really know what she was talking about, until I saw Jason waving at me!! I was super excited and ran up for a hello-again hug. Hadn't seen him for an entire year! Anywho, the three of us (and baby Theo!) hung out for a few minutes and planned out our Friday rendevous, and then I grabbed my bag and we headed to Jason's parent's place. They live in Windsor, which was a little drive away, so Jason and I had some time to catch up. I almost forgot to mention, it was so weird the night before and again this time to get into a vehicle on the left side, and drive on the left!! You'd think I would have been expecting it so it wouldn't have been that strange, but to physically get into a car that way. . .weird. Anyway, the parent's home was quite beautiful, also two stories with a sizeable backyard. It was such a nice day that we ate outside. We had a fantastic stir-fry, quite good!! Then it was off to try and fit in some sight-seeing. We went to Windsor Castle, and it was just unbelievable. The size, the look. . .just incredible. We skipped along the road, literally, towards the castle. Oh, I just remembered - before we got to Jason's, we stopped off to buy some honey at this great local store. Really cool. Anyway, we were too late to do a castle tour, so we decided to go back the next day. We wandered around Windsor, had some ice cream along the river, and randomly ran into a friend of Jason's who invited us to a play that night. She put us on the guest list, so we had amazing seats FOR FREE. Gotta love that! Anyway, then as we were sitting on the river, we also go to hear this great guy Kenji (I think I'm spelling that right) play guitar. He did some Beatles covers, so of course I loved it. Then we also wandered over to the boy's school, which I can't remember the name of. It's pretty famous though. Something-or-other College, but it isn't a "college" like in the US. Anyway. It was neat to see the boys all dressed up, it made me feel like I was in Harry Potter:) Then we had dinner at a nice Italian place, and then we went to the play. It was called "Quartermaine's Terms," and it was OK. Not my favorite, but it was free and now I can say I've seen some London theatre! It was in the Windsor Royal Theatre, and the theatre itself was really lovely. The set was also stunning. Then we headed back in for the night!

Thursday - Back to Windsor to do the tour. I seriously felt like a little girl - all my princess dreams coming true:) The flag was raised, so we are thinking that means that the Queen was actually there! So crazy. My favorite parts of the tour were Princess Mary's dollhouse, which was SO detailed and lovely, and the grand ballroom. Everything, though, was just so breathtaking - the architecture, the history, everything. I don't even know how to describe it, except that everyone should go visit. One of the staffers was telling us that there is a music festival actually IN Windsor Castle every year. Man. How cool would it be to go to that?! And tickets are honestly really cheap for being able to go to Windsor and see music. Anyway, we also got to see the Cathedral and it was just as lovely. It was really great to sit where the choir usually sits, and they had some recordings of the choir for us and the boys sounded just amazing. Really beautiful. And, of course, a ton of royalty is buried there!! Then we grabbed some lunch, and some fudge for the road at this GREAT fudge store that I am already missing. Then we piled into Jason's car, and headed out for our road trip to Cambridge. The trip itself was AWESOME, albeit a lot longer than we anticipated. We had great chats, and listened to some great music (Damien Rice's "The Professor" and Twin Atlantic will now forever remind me of London and that trip.) When we got to Cambridge, it was already 7 so a lot of things were closed. That worked out for us, though, because we got to take (mostly) uninterrupted pictures of the incredible architecture there. We wandered around and chatted and laughed and had a generally amazing time. Grabbed some dinner in a nice place called BRB (we giggled) and then headed back out. We stopped off at a rest stop for bathroom-usage, and bought some "authentic" London candy (some Cadbury stuff you can only get in London.) We had some amazing conversation on the trip back, which was considerably faster than the trip out, and then went to bed.

Friday - My last day was my London inner-city day. We got up earlier than before, made sure everything was set for Jason's brother Ashley and our mutual pal Matt to bring my bag with them later, and hopped a train to the city. On the way to the train, though, we got to see the changing of the guards!! So cool. Tons of stuff to do at Windsor, I mean really!! I saw it all three days!! Anywho, grabbed the trains into London and went first to my favorite part of my entire trip, I think: Abbey Road. We did the obligatory street-crossing photo, saw the studio, graffitied on the post outside (apparently Sigur Ros had been there recently as well!!! HOW COOL!) It was just amazing. I was leaping and squealing the entire time. Amazing. Then we headed back to Baker Street (Sherlock Holmes' home) and grabbed some lunch. Vogue said that this place had the best pizza anywhere. I think the people at Vogue apparently don't get out much. But whatevs, food is food. Then we headed to the most touristy thing we did probably the entire time: Madame Toussaud's. It was SO much fun, albeit more crowded than anywhere on the planet, I think. I met Leo DiCaprio, Alfred Hitchcock, Sean Connery. . .busy day! Then we headed to a bus stop, where we hopped on a 15 and did our own personalized bus tour. At this point, we were already totally exhausted after so many full days, but we managed to see a TON. Trafalgar Square, the Court of Justices, the theatre district (London's "Broadway,") the super-famous cathedral whose name is escaping me (can you tell I'm still tired?) and ended at the Tower Bridge. We hoofed it all the way across and back, which was really cool, and then headed around to the London Tower. Then we hopped a bus back and got to see Big Ben on our way to the underground that took us to our final destination, the Regal Room. This is where we got to meet back up with the cousins and it was SUCH a fun night. We had some delicious food, chatted away for a while, and then got to see some really talented musicians play. I had a few favorites: there was one guy who sang in Greek and played super-quick guitar; reminded me a little of some of the stuff off of Paul Simon's "Graceland." So nice. I also really loved this one girl who played on stage with one other guitarist; her voice was absolutely chilling. And then Nick Tathum, who is a young guy from Dolcet with an incredible voice. His lyrics aren't always the most profound, but they are sweet. He also has (I'm going to misspell this, I already know) Turrett's, but when he starts to play all of the ticks go away!! It just solidified my view that music is crazy important and can be such a powerful force in a person's life. This was also when I got to see Matt again, Jason's drummer who I also hadn't seen for a year. The three boys (Jason, Ashley and Matt) all left early, which was a bummer but totally understandable as they were all exhausted. The cousins and I got back to the house at around midnight, and they were excellent enough to set up a cab for me the next day so I wouldn't have to worry about taking any train but the Stansted Express. They were amazing hosts, and I'm just sad I didn't have a lot more time to spend with them because I never even got to see the other two boys, Max and Oscar! It just means I'll have to visit again soon. Anyway, then I got ready for bed as quickly as possible. . .

Saturday - . . .and woke up at 4:15 am. Ouch. Painful as it was, I hopped in the shower and started to wake up. As I was doing my makeup, though, the can arrived so I had to rush to make sure I had everything, say a quick goodbye to Kristyn (everyone else was, rightfully, still asleep!!) and run out the door. The cab driver freaked me out by suggesting that they could be doing work on the Stansted Express line, but I stuck to my guns and asked him to take me to Liverpool St. Station. We passed the London Eye and Buckingham Palace (I think) on the way out, which was awesome because those were also things I wanted to see. Check! :) Then I grabbed a ticket for the Stansted Express, and hopped on at 5:40 to get to the airport. The check-in line for our plane at the airport was pretty long, but I got checked in. The woman asked if I had any baggage to check, and I said no. She asked if I had anything sharp in my backpack, and I said, "No, but I do have this umbrella. . ." Big mistake. She said, oh yeah, you need to check that in our fragile section. OK, I think. No problem. I check the umbrella, and head over to my gate. They ended up switching the gates on us, and the boarding was pretty late but despite all of that, we were still pretty well on time for departure and arrival! The flight was, again, quite lovely, and although I was exhausted, I knew I would miss London (and I do, so, so much.) When I arrived at the Stuttgart airport, the first thing I did was go to get my umbrella. Well. . .they lost it. It didn't ever turn up. 15 pounds (30 dollars) down the drain, but more importantly, an item that reminded me of London and had so much love and so many memories invested in it is now somewhere in Stuttgart or something. I am still kind of upset about it, just because it really did symbolize a lot for me. I was really upset and asked a bunch of people and went around in circles, but ultimately was told "sorry" and I headed to take the subway to the train station. I had a bunch of time before my train left, so I wandered around the Stuttgart train station for a bit. I looked to see if any of the shops carried cute umbrellas, but no luck. Then I hopped on the train when it arrived, and enjoyed the journey. The train was running late, so I literally had to sprint to my connection in Karlsruhe, but I made it and am now back! I'm exhausted from so much traveling, from sitting a ton, from not having exercised and from no sleep basically for an entire week. I'm also totally spoiled with English and a little lazy, kind of not wanting to speak German or do homework. But it's Sunday and I have quite a bit of Swedish to do, so I'm going to get on that and take it easy today. I'm trying to get back in gear, start speaking German again. But ultimately, my trip was just incredible and there are so many memories I couldn't fit in here because I just don't have the energy. Essentially, it was awesome, and my 3 hosts (Kristyn, Damian and Jason) all made it so much better. It was so nice to have 3 friends to spend my week off with! OK, time to make some lunch, watch some "How I Met Your Mother," and do some Swedish. I will try to post pictures or something in the near future, but there are a TON so maybe I'll just have to figure out a way to host them on a separate website.